Avalon
by Rarely Written
Summary: Morgana's thinks about life after she reaches the white shores that serve as home to the souls of the dead. She watches over earth and see people that live to long, sees people whose lives are too short and reflects upon the meaning of her own life. But is destiny finished with her yet? Oneshot.


Avalon is a strange place. Some say it is the place of new beginnings, some say forgiveness. This has not been my experience. Avalon overlooks the world of the living, never touching it. Yet what happens there affects us in such a way they could never imagine. I watched Gwen crowned Queen and ruler of Camelot. I watched her grief and her healing. I watch her grow and I watched her die. To me it took no time at all. She died with her ever faithful knights beside her, and Merlin of course. Just that one time.

Merlin. How he has aged. He never recovered after Arthur's death, not in the way everyone else did. It is not fair that after all he has suffered that he is the one that must live on. I pity him, for he could find happiness in Avalon, unlike me.

That is not to say that I am unhappy here. I doubt anyone could be unhappy here. But I am alone, just as I was in life. For that is the truth. Nothing changes after death. I was alone in life, hatred and greed burning in my heart. I can no longer lust after power, so all I have left is hate. But who? Arthur? For what purpose would that serve? I am not even sure why I hated him in life. Except maybe that he has everything I wanted.

Not the crown. Not the kingdom. The love. He had it all; Merlin, Gwen, Gaius, Leon, Gwaine, Percival and so many other countless people. He was so loved, is still dearly loved on the shores of Avalon. I took it all away from him, with my plots and scheming. He had something worth living for, so despite it being cut short, his life wasn't a waste. I could not say the same.

I grieve that I had to sail across the great waters of Avalon before realising this. Merlin once told me it wasn't too late. He was right, I should've listened.

_Morgana_

I look towards the living and see an old man alone in his room. Tears slide down his face. In his hands is a drawing of my old face, before everything went wrong. It has been a while since he looked at it. I'm surprised, it isn't often Merlin thinks of me as I was.

_I'm so sorry. If only I'd helped you, save you, then everything would've been different. Arthur wouldn't have died that day. My whole life wouldn't be have been for a lie!_

Ahh, it was his bad days. The days he believed that Arthur would never return for him, I couldn't blame him. His journey has been hard and long. I can say this about Avalon, no matter what, you can find peace.

_It isn't fair. YOU HEAR ME? THIS ISN'T FAIR! Making me live without him. You promised he'd return, YOU LIED! For what? Why did he have to die? Why did you have to kill him Morgana? Why couldn't I save him?_

Merlin sobbed and as much as I, and many other wanted to reach down and comfort him, we couldn't. It's not fair that Merlin is forced to be as alone as I chose to be. He doesn't deserve that. This is where the hate comes in. This is where I hate myself for everything I have ever done to him, but more importantly to myself. I chose to waste my life. I chose to destroy his. What was the point in it all? What happiness did it ever bring me?

Something shifts in the air. A soul is leaving. Arthur. His time has come. I look towards earth and watch as a mother births Arthur to the world one more. It would be a long time for Merlin to find his King again, first he must deal with the prince.

But even as Arthur grows from baby to child, from child to teen he lives with an honour well above his age. He is always fair to everyone. He accepts the geekiest kid in the school to befriend, marking himself as an outcast.

Everyone in Avalon holds their breath when Merlin meets Arthur for the first time. I laugh when Merlin doesn't even recognise him. After all that time waiting and his first impression of Merlin is the cranky postman that might be a bit of a loony?

They meet for the second time on one f Merlin's bad days. Merlin, in the middle of a rout looks across the lake he sent Arthur across all those years ago and collapses. Arthur and his geeky friend find him that way and despite all warnings, Arthur seats himself beside the cranky postman.

_You okay?_

_No. I am never okay, I will never be okay ever again._

_One day sir, it will be. It gets better, everyone says so._

_They are wrong. They wouldn't understand. I hope to god that they never do._

I watch as Arthur processes that information. Arthur's friend suggests from the sidelines that they take him inside. It is a hint to palm this old man's troubles off to someone more experienced. Arthur's never been one to do that, in any life. A smile stretches my lips as Arthur lays his hand on Merlin's shoulder, the first time in hundreds of years.

_I may not understand sir, but you can try me._

Unbelievably it takes Merlin much longer than it should to realise Arthur had returned to him. It was only Arthur persistence that the two became friends at all. Merlin, relucent to open himself to loss, does his best to portray the cranky crazy man that always scares everyone away. Everyone but Arthur, who returns day after day doing his best to put a smile on the warlocks face.

Then Arthur is hit by a car. I cry and beg and plead anyone and anything that would listen to make that car stop. No one listened. They never do. Almost dead he lay in Merlin's arms, who cries about how stupid he'd been to let this boy walk right into his heart.

_This isn't fair. Always Arthur's, always die. SOMEONE SAVE HIM!_

But they are alone, and despites his shouts to the heavens I cannot answer. I sob as the scene unfolds; sure that Arthur will slip back into Avalon too soon again. Is he always destined to die like this? I wish I could do something about it, but it is out of my hands this time.

_I… It's okay, I'm not scared Mr Emrys. It's not a bad place, I can see it now. White shores… but she's crying. Why is she crying?_

It's not fair. He only just got him back he can't leave again! Merlin doesn't deserve this torment. Who planned this destiny was crueller than I ever was. In that moment I could turn my hate onto it. Destiny was sick, twisting people's lives like this. It was just sick. If only Merlin knew that this was Arthur dying again. Maybe he'd have the courage to reach within himself and find the magic he thought he'd lost long ago. But he didn't know, perhaps that was for the best. Should he know it was Arthur, it might destroy him.

_Who… Who are you? What are you… I don't understand._

_Arthur, shhhh, don't try to talk. It's okay, I've got you._

_I don't understand… the crying lady… I don't… I am Arthur, what does she mean… What… Who…_

Arthur's eyes slide shut but Merlin's are wide. Hope springs to life. Just this once let destiny be kind. Just this once give them this chance. Merlin reaches inside and finds his lost magic, ripping it to the surface and saving Arthur just in time.

From there this change. Arthur doesn't remember his past life, but he believes. Merlin hasn't gained his brother back, but he isn't alone. When the times comes they fight in a devastating war. This time, in the last battle, it is Merlin that leaves Arthur. With the strength his grief gave him he won the war. Arthur grieves his old friend, but lives a happy life. He doesn't marry in this life, faithful to the woman he never met. When he crosses the shores of Avalon again he embraces his family, very much Camelot's Arthur, despite his last adventure.

Now I have no one left on earth to watch. Arthur watches still has connections to his old life, and occasionally he watches their lives unfold. Merlin never looks down at earth again, too many memories and pain down there. Besides, he is happy here, finally reunited with his family once more.

Me, I am still alone. But I no longer hate myself. I made my mistakes; my life was one big mistake. But that's about to change. Avalon is a strange place. Some say it is the place of new beginnings, some say forgiveness. I finally understand what they mean now. I forgive myself even if others do not. I shall start again not in Avalon but in another life, carrying the lessons of the past somewhere in my soul.

"Morgana."

It is the first time someone has spoken to me since my arrival. I turn and see them all, old enemies and friends alike. I see Morgause, crying happy tears. Gwen and Arthur, holding hands and smiling small smiles. My father's, both adoptive and biological, eyes shining with pride.

"We've been here the whole time," Uther states, "ready to forgive."

"But first you had to forgive yourself," Morgause sobs "Because when you spoke you could not hear us."

I smile at them all. They tell me that I don't have to leave, that I can be happy with them. I am tempted, I have missed them all. But I look to the one who spoke my name first, to the one who has lived the longest and the hardest.

"You wouldn't understand," I say to him, "Because you lived to long."

He shakes his head, "I do understand, because I lived the life you did and all I wished for was the life I had before."

We smile at each other and everyone understands. This is something I must do, I have to have the chance to live. I smile at them all but no one utters a goodbye. They will be here when I return. They will watch me as I live. No need for goodbyes.

I close my eyes and wait to leave Avalon. What a strange place it is.


End file.
